I can feel depressive episodes settling in and despite any cerebral approach(es), coping mechanisms, positive thinking, medication compliance, therapy, writing, or refusal, it’s happening. It’s rolling in. One minute I’m waving it away…pushing it back, living my life and keeping it at bay…the next, I’m caught in thick, grey smoke, choking on the burn. I know the way out…I just can’t can’t get there.
This weekends episode was a mix of triggers and various things building, which is just how life works. Things happen. I manage what I can the best way I can but I certainly do not live in a protective bubble. (I used to wish I lived in a snow globe as a child.) It was one of those episodes where I felt disconnected, yet simultaneously devastated, exhausted and extremely aggravated.I have a spinal issue that sometimes causes me to get stuck, quite literally, in bed. Friday morning it happened and I went quickly downhill from there. Extreme pain and immobility with everything it brings, is maddening. MADDENING!
Without all the boring details, by Friday evening, I didn’t want to even be conscious or alive. I was completely checked out, plagued with broken sleep all day and night. Saturday, I also slept. My sleep is usually broken and I have vivid nightmares on a regular basis. Friday and Saturday were no exception… it’s like living in a world of half awake sadness and terror, whether asleep or awake. I was mobile enough to do a bit by Saturday evening but found myself stuck, choking in smoke. I responded to a few texts and e-mails but forget social interaction. I shuffled slowly from room to room looking around, overwhelmed at the thought of doing anything at all. I cried while making my bed and screamed at no one in particular “I NEED A FUCKING BREAK. PLEASE. I JUST NEED A FUCKING BREAK.” I did a bit of freelance work on my laptop, then spoke to my girlfriend on the phone for about an hour, crying, while dissecting it all. Later I laid in bed listening to music, crying deep soul cries, wondering how many other 30 something women still do this before they go to sleep…At times, it all feels so very misunderstood, angsty teen and I want to shake myself out of it, shake myself for crying and shake myself for being so weak. The night, as usual, held broken sleep with vivid, disturbing dreams.
Sunday is foggy, smokey, hungover without the alcohol and flat. I am tired. My spine still hurts but nothing like Friday. I cannot make myself go out and take care of errands. I feel weighted, sick, flat, and like my thoughts are coming through smoke. Not quite clear…but clearing. I have to pull it together, shake it off and pick up my life again tomorrow.