I’m apparently not a consistent blogger…I’ve thought about it a thousand times and then end up going to my journal instead. The things I need to get out seem too private, dull, uninteresting or what have you. Sometimes I have so many things going on in my head that I end up locked up, unable to express anything and I silently spin inside my own head trying to work through this and that. For whatever reason it occurred to me this evening that if I don’t utilize this as a resource, it’s pointless to even have started it.
So, here’s to making an effort to blog more.
Much has changed in the last few months. My girlfriend moved in and I’m adjusting to cohabitation again. Living alone certainly has it’s benefits, just as living with a partner does as well. Her moving in has certainly served as a mirror for me to see just how introverted I really am and how much alone time I need to rejuvenate and recharge.
It’s an adjustment for her on many levels too and I’m sure having a BiPolar girlfriend isn’t the easiest, even when I internalize 95% of the shit that goes on in my head and fight like hell to maintain “normalcy.”
I have full use of my hand again and some relatively minor residual issues with it. The whole ordeal was awful and I learned just how intricate the human hand is.
I have been rapid cycling to the point I feel like I want off this ride. It’s exhausting. Life is exhausting and add this…well, if you are a person with BiPolar, you’ve been there and you know exactly what I mean.
The older I get, the more I’m aware of cognitive dysfunction issues and wonder how much BiPolar disorder plays in it. The focus is usually on a persons mood, depression or manic stages but it sure as fuck isn’t only a mood disorder. My wires often seem crossed and what I think in my head isn’t what ends up coming out of my mouth. I can’t remember shit and make lists or set reminders in my phone for basic day to day things. The holes in my memory seem to widen, I lose chunks of time, and it’s almost as if it wasn’t even me that lived through certain periods in my life. I have increasing difficulty with math (which I’m horribly deficient in anyway) and am unable to multitask as quickly as I once was. It’s like I’m watching a once intelligent person deteriorate and there’s not a thing I can do about it. I’m in my mid 30’s, not my mid 80’s.
I’m angry or frustrated much of the time lately and tend to go quiet when this happens as to not erupt. I simmer and boil internally but it’s better than alienating myself by being a complete psychotic bitch to all who dare cross my path. I’m aware at least. It’s cycles like these that make me wish I could rip the BiPolar out of me and stomp her in the face, just get her out of me somehow. I do not use it as an excuse to not live my life but I certainly am aware of how much it affects the quality of my life, which adds to my anger.
Tomorrow, I hope to have some phototherapy with a friend and infuse my brain with something else for a while. We get in the car and drive to nowhere in particular, take our cameras and explore whatever catches our eye. And bitch. You just cannot beat a bitchy gay man with a creative streak and a hint of his own crazy on phototherapy days.